A new way of doing things

I have changed my diet radically and it will continue to change. I finally put together a vitamin schedule that meets the outline for my cancer therapy. It is serious stuff. But the feeling of well being is profound. Saturday I woke up feeling wonderful. Not high or weird but well. I felt like I had energy and just a sense of well being. I am feeling that way some what but not as much today. I have been reading it may have something to do with my increased Niacin intake.

I have an appointment to see an Oncologist Thursday morning. I am hoping he will repeat the Pap. What if it was a false positive? No one has suggested repeating the test. I would think this would be an obvious first step but I have taken a few steps into Cancerland and no one has mentioned it.

My vitamin protocol

Mary’s Vitamin TherapyJanuary 2008

 Nutrient                                     Dose                                               Times                        

Vitamin C                                 35 grams to bowel tolerance        throughout the dayNiacin                                 500mg to 3000 to 9000               in Am & PMVitamin B6                                                                                                     in Am & PMVitamin E                                            400 to 500                                         in Am & PMSuper Enzymes                                                                                     2 w/mealsCalcium/Magnesium/Zinc  1500 calcium/500 magnesium  4 halves a dayKelp                                                    3 to 5 tablets                               a dayLecithin                                               1-3 Tbs granules                        at mealsZinc                                                     50 mg to 100mg                         2 lozengesSelenium                                            300 micrograms                         100×3 each dayFish Oil/Omega 3                              1 tsp with meals                          2 a dayBean Sprouts                                    2 Quarts                                        throughout the day

 Juicing

Brewers FlakesLecithin granules  2 red/orange 1 green pints                       3 meals

Carrots, Celery, CucumberGreen peppers, CabbageBroccoli, Kale, LettuceApples, Juice concentrates No spinach, No rhubarb, No Beet greens, No salt Avoid meat especially red, Cheese-natural no coloring, Yogurt- low fat plain, Nut butter-almond, raw cow’s milk, Fruit100% whole grain bread, Whole wheat pasta, Brown rice, Beans.

No answers today

I am going to Marshfield to see an Oncologst on Thursday. We will be leaving Wednesday after school and staying the night down there. The boys see it as a night in a hotel with a swimming pool.

I am probably going to be going there more than once to get an accurate diagnosis, but I am not waiting for that. Micah has got a juicer coming and I will be going vegetarian and juicing my foods for the maximum nutrient value and farming bean sprouts and trying to relax as much as possible.

I know stress is one of my big issues. My parents, who both died of cancer, were always stressed out and I grew up in a very stressful environment so learning to relax and let go is one of the harder things. Fortunately I love my husband and my boys and they are all great and very supportive so I have a lot of help in that area.

I am not expecting a miss diagnosis or some surprise that will releive me of cancer. I have been living with a great deal of pain for a few years now and never knew why. I don’t know that this Cancer is why but I know that it has taken the report of cancer to motivate me to change my life as far as my health and well being.

I have made significant changes in the past. In my 20s I was pretty wild and when I quit that life style I starting gaining weight. Now I have lost some weight but apparently that is not enough.

Life is an adventure and I intend to see it through. I am spending time visualizing being around to see my grand children and growing old yet healthy with Micah.

Waiting

The waiting is so hard. It is bad enough when you get the call that you have cancer but to wait for tests to be taken and then waiting for the results of the test…is horrible. 

I am in this weird place between knowing I am sick but not how sick and being well but not knowing how well. If I knew I was really sick I would act differently. The same if I knew I was going to be OK. This in between is horrid. The not knowing.

I have been reading all sorts of books on cancer and its prevention and treatment.  I have been reading about miraculous recoveries. I don’t dare read about those who are lost. I don’t want to see that reality. I want to stay optimistic and do all the things that the survivors do. I want to watch comedies not sad dramas.  This weekend I took a break from reading and studying for school to watch Norbit. I laughed. I liked it. I made love to my husband and played board games with my sons.  Days like that make the cancer seem unreal. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow (Tuesday). I am sure that will make it real again.

A Plan?

I am afraid that I have given up by wanting to plan for my own death. No one has told me I am going to die, but cancer is nothing to mess with. Too many people have died of cancer to not seriously consider death as the end result as apposed to complete recovery or something in between.

I am telling myself I am just being practical, but maybe I am just morbid or I really do believe I will die. Well, I know I will die but I figured I had another 40 years or so to go.

I suddenly want to return things I have borrowed. I want to put in writing some of the things I want to leave to my sons for sentimental reasons. I have given thought to making short videos for my husband and sons. Videos of songs we sing and the inside jokes we tell each other. I want to leave them pieces of me. The good pieces while I still look like myself and on some days feel more like myself rather than the woman the pain is turning me into.

I want to get organized and throw things out I dont’ want others to have to deal with if I am not around. I want to make decisions now that might be too stressful for others to make in my absence.

I want to know when I will die.  Crazy hey? It would make things so much easier in some ways. I suppose harder in others. I wish I knew when I was going to die when I was younger then I could have saved my husband the heartache of marrying a women that wasn’t going to last into old age. At this point I am hoping to see 40 come April.  I feel sad. This is so not good for me. I want to use my pass port. I have one and have never gone anywhere. I want to go some where before I die.

Here Today

I have been writing and not publishing. I seem to be losing my mind. I am having trouble concentrating. I wish my next doctors appointment was behind me. I wish cancer was behind me. I wish I didn’t hurt and feel so cold all the time. I wish I could be comfortable in bed. I keep waking in the night and feeling pain in my shoulders or in my hand. My ring finger swelled up over night and I can’t get my ring off. I can’t straighten it out. I don’t know what could have caused it. It isn’t stopping me from typing but it is huge.

I am scared and I really can’t tell anyone. My husband needs me to be brave and fight. He would be so disappointed in me if he knew I was scared that I would die. He comes from a family of people who believe that your thoughts draw your life to you so if you are sick then you drew that to you. I understand the principle of the thing. I have watched “What the bleep”,”Down the rabbit hole” and “The secret”. I get the law of attraction.

How do I fight against my fear? This is what my initial question was when I began my little blog. How to get passed fear. Well wouldn’t you know it, its working. A so-called friend called me this morning to give me a bad time about some rumor she had heard, (This is the one who needs distance now that I am sick, read previous post) and I just didn’t have the heart to attempt any sort of story to avoid her attack. I certainly can’t recall telling rumors about her, I have enough to worry about, but I apologized and asked her forgiveness and promised that nothing similar would happen again. I felt nothing. 

An apology is not a difficult thing to get from me these days. Believe me I am sorry for a lot of things and if I have in some way slighted you I apologize. I have no agenda anymore that I need to protect. I don’t need to lie, cheat or steal because nothing seems that all fired too important anymore.

Another Day

I am grateful to be alive another day. I hurt today. I felt better yesterday. I had more energy but today my heels hurt and my hands hurt. It is hard to think positive and be optimistic when you hurt. It would be so easy to feel sorry for myself.

I have quite drinking alcohol, I quit smoking, I lost 60 pounds, I survived a crappy childhood and now that I have a wonderful husband, two beautiful children I am diagnosed with cancer. Life sucks.

I have yet to tell a lot of people about the cancer because of the one or two I have told, they act odd now. In one case the person has begun avoiding me and in the other case the person has chosen to be mad at me. I understand both. On the one hand no one wants sick to rub off. I know that sounds silly but it is true. The aura of a sick person can have an affect. On the other hand I understand wanting distace when someone you care about becomes ill. It is survival of the fittest and I am no longer fit so be mad at me so you can go on living and not have fear that it might happen to you. I understand. I am even getting this from my husband. The world is against him because I am sick and if I don’t agree with all his conspiracy theories I am not loyal and he is disappointed in me. I understand. I really do understand.

Alive Another Day

My husband has taken it upon himself to champion my war against cancer. He has removed the microwave, all the pots and pans with Teflon, purchased books about fighting cancer and set his jaw to make sure I fight too.

I will do whatever he tells me. Right now I am taking all the vitamin c in the form of Ascorbic acid my body can handle. Its called to bowel tolerance which means when I get diarrhea I have had enough. I am somewhere between 4 and 5 grams before I make the run to the bathroom to pee out my butt.

We are changing our diets. Much less meat. I am using up we have have as flavoring for bean based meals. Lots of beans. I am buying organic salad and fruit when I can can, eggs and I am a regular at our local health food store. I bring my recycled bags and fill them up once a week. We will make other changes too. I don’t know what but I am sure my husband will let me know.

Day 7

I have been researching words like cancer, cervical cancer, Endocervical Adenocarcinoma. I feel thrust into a new world. When I go back to my school work and figure advanced algebra equations, I have a hard time focusing. When I read philosophy, I read about myself. I read into the theories, how they apply to me and my situation. I am seeing my life pass before my eyes all around me all day long.

 I had to make the decision of whether I was going to throw in the towel and eat red meat, smoke cigarettes and drink brown liquor or look into alternatives lifestyles to cure my cancer. I can’t be so selfish as to do the former. I love my husband, and my two beautiful young sons so I will do the latter. I have over come other troubles I am confident I can over come this as well.

The first day of the rest of my life

Life is funny in a sick freaky, disturbing sort of way. Here I have been asking the big questions about life. What is the meaning of it and why can’t I seem to cope without fear? Questioning the existence of God. And low and behold the answer comes.

I have been diagnosed with cancer. I called my husband to make sure our youngest son had been picked up from school, as I had taken our oldest son to his regular Orthodontist appointment and wouldn’t make it back in time to do both. 

My husband assured me that he had been picked up but I could hear fear in his voice. I know the sound of it and especially in him. He told me the health department had called about my pap and that I needed to call them right away. Of course I knew what it was. This is not my first abnormal pap but it has been years. Before kids and life and dreams and plans for the future. I had forgotten about it. I called. I am lousy with cancer.  Now I begin the round of appointments. I am not looking forward to it. Being the pragmatic person I am I am already planning on how to go out gracefully. My husband is shaken and wants to fight. I will fight. I will put on a brave face and I will do everything I can to be the best mom to my sons during the process.

Both my parents died of cancer, no one should be surprised. My mom died at 57 or 58 and my dad hung on till 75 but it was an ugly 75. I was hoping I would last longer then them. I am going to be 40 in the spring.

Day 6

Discuss and reflect upon the idea that “I have no control when it comes to fear” I don’t agree. I am not powerless or I would just give up. Ya, know I don’t think therapy is going to work. The idealist philosophy is clashing with my own philosophy that is I do have free will and I don’t blame God nor do I give God all the credit. I haven’t figured out he God thing so to answer the question-Discuss and reflect upon the idea that “I have no control when it comes to fear” I will discuss and reflect on the idea that this line of questioning is quickly becoming absurd and if I had no control would I be looking for help through this process? I know the answer from the therapy point of view- you must turn over your idea of control, which you don’t really have anyway, to a higher power. I know this routine, I have been through 12 step programs but for me there is nothing to hand it over to. Give me a question I can use.