Discuss and reflect upon the effect this emotion has had upon you over the years. Are you kidding me? The effect of fear? It is my primary emotion. It is how I have preserved myself alive these past 39 years. I am afraid of drugs therefore I never did any serious drugs and managed to escape drug addiction,(with the exception of the innocent alcohol and food habits I have 
. Alcohol is a lousy coping mechanism for fear. I tried it. I had my first blackout at 10 years old and it never helped my fear. Food has only contributed to physical ailments including an extra 15 to 20 pounds of unwanted weight.
Fear has taught me to keep my head down. I am not the one who will speak up if I think I will get knocked back down. I prefer to seethe with revenge and talk about how someone is wrong but I end up doing little if nothing.
I did recently speak up regarding the issue of racism. I was at a party over the holidays where reference was made that a certain race is known to have bitchy older women. What race doesn’t I asked. I let it be known that I thought the statement was racist and that every race has bitchy old ladies and everyone conquered with my statement. I felt safe in this crowd and I felt confident in my belief so I was able to speak up.
Fear has taught me to brown nose when necessary. I can see the hammer coming a mile a way and I have leaned to protect myself from being under said hammer when it falls. I have had to draw the line in this regard. When the hammer is being wielded by scum I just can’t suck up anymore. I do have some core principles that I can not deny. When I am confronted with scum in the form of a bad boss and cheater, a liar a whatever kind of scum you can imagine, even if I am going to lose I will do the right thing. It hasn’t gotten me further along other than I am glad I don’t have to tolerate scum in my life. I can be grateful for that.
I am afraid of…being lied to. I hate being lied to and I keep finding that I have been lied to over and over again. The older I get the bigger the lies I keep uncovering. This is very disappointing. Ignorance is bliss sometimes. Life was easier with Santa and the Easter bunny. More and more I discover I am alone and that too is scary. There is no Santa, no Easter bunny and for today there is no God. I wish I could believe. I want to believe. I want blind faith, but it doesn’t come to me. I can’t close my eyes and accept words in books. I feel so different than what I have been taught and so I get confused and this confusion causes fear. I am afraid because I am confused.
