The waiting is so hard. It is bad enough when you get the call that you have cancer but to wait for tests to be taken and then waiting for the results of the test…is horrible.
I am in this weird place between knowing I am sick but not how sick and being well but not knowing how well. If I knew I was really sick I would act differently. The same if I knew I was going to be OK. This in between is horrid. The not knowing.
I have been reading all sorts of books on cancer and its prevention and treatment. I have been reading about miraculous recoveries. I don’t dare read about those who are lost. I don’t want to see that reality. I want to stay optimistic and do all the things that the survivors do. I want to watch comedies not sad dramas. This weekend I took a break from reading and studying for school to watch Norbit. I laughed. I liked it. I made love to my husband and played board games with my sons. Days like that make the cancer seem unreal. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow (Tuesday). I am sure that will make it real again.
