I am confused. My original pap said I had cancer. I got the call. I went to the OBGYN who sent me to the next state to see an Oncologist because I had cancer. Could there have been a mistake and no body wants to admit it?

It gets weird at this point. I have been working through the health department on this. Like many Americans I have no health insurance so I go to the health department to get low cost paps. They offered me a hysterectomy as a form of birth control. After getting the run down from this Oncologist, he too felt a hysterectomy was in order.  After he gave me the good news of “no invasive cancer found” he proceeded to talk about the next step being the cone biopsy and then the hysterectomy again.

I had to ask. If I have no cancer why would you put me at risk for major surgery for no reason? H was speechless for a moment, then stuttered slightly and said it was the hospital’s standard treatment. Then his mind was back in gear and he said that was down the road and we could talk about the risks involved with surgery versus having to get repeat paps and biopsies for years.

I have to wonder if there is a quota system for hysterectomies. Is there some national population control effort to give hysterectomies to healthy women? I don’t want to sound like a conspiracy theorist but why?

I am probably not going to get the cone biopsy. I have made an appointment with an MD who has been making local headlines for offering natural treatment options. I want to go over some of the alternative therapies I have been reading about and get his take on it.

I feel like I am being lied to and I dont’ know who to trust.

This morning I ate an orange and a banana with all my vitamins. I jogged to the bus stop to send my boys off to school. I hauled wood for our wood stove. I had prepared a vegetable soup and blended it slightly for my lunch and then some.  I prepared a coffee enema per the Gerson therapy and before I could do that I juiced an organic apple and 5 organic carrots and drank that. I then proceeded with the enema and following that I did a couple of chores and then put in my yoga DVD. I have lost so much range of motion it is difficult to go too far into it but I went a half hour and then came upstairs to get some school work done, balance the check book and blog.

I have more to look forward to in the form of juicing another carrot and apple drink, a green drink involving an assortment of green veggies another coffee enema, more vitamins, while taking mega-doses of vitamin C through out the day.

Today is the day I am suppose to get my lab results back from the repeat pap and biopsies. I am thinking optimistically.

If this was my biggest problem I am sure I would be having a hissy fit and running around trying to figure how I could beg my Prof for some credit and play the bleeding heart cancer story on her, but because of the cancer diagnoses I find I am taking things much better. And the thought occurred to me, if this is my biggest problem then I am doing pretty good.

I was early for my appointment but it didn’t pay off. They took me in right on time. After the weight and blood pressure check and a few questions I was given the sheet set to wear and wait.

The doctor arrived in a bright yellow dry cleaned shirt with a forgettable tie and he was very pleasant. He thoroughly explained what would happen today and he assured me he had received from my previous doctor’s file. I felt like I didn’t even need to be in the room. He had said this so many times before. He tried to make human contact by relating that he was from the same area of the country as I but he was off by a couple hundred miles.

The exam was thorough.

The good news was he did not see any cancer. He re-read the last pap smear in attempt to convince me that the previous test had only indicated possible abnormal cells but believe me when someone calls you and tells you you have cancer you don’t mistake that for anything else. And when you are sent to another doctor for referral and he explains, in broken English, that he can not help because you have cancer and he is not an Oncologist, you don’t forget it. So how can there suddenly be no cancer? Was the report wrong. Well we are going to wait and see.

So I wait.

Pap and biopsie results are expected Monday or Tuesday.

The doctor drew a diagram of possible options for me and I was alarmed that hysterectomy was the conclusion for both branches of his option diagram of either  no cancer and cancer. Even if there is no cancer he still wants to perform a hysterectomy on a 39 year old woman. Why? Is it the newest form of birth control? Is there some upside in having my body parts removed? Does he have a quota?  I have to wonder.

My husband has been doing a great deal of research on alternative forms of cancer treatment and h has been feeding all sorts of vitamins including mega doses of vitamin C.  He bought a big shiny juicing machine for me to use and has made a few interested suggestions regarding detoxification ideas. I trust him more than this slick dry clean only Oncologist.

I do appreciate the doctor’s and hospital’s diagnostic equipment. It is very important to know what your dealing with, but that is where I think it should end. At some point I need to take responsibility for my health.

At the end of the appointment my husband asked if there were any suggestions he had for me while I wait. Should I change my diet or anything else? The doctor said no.

I feel like someone is lying to me and I am tired of it. I know I have to do more if I expect to live a long life. I don’t believe experiences like that one, is one of them.

I have an appointment to see an Oncologist Thursday morning. I am hoping he will repeat the Pap. What if it was a false positive? No one has suggested repeating the test. I would think this would be an obvious first step but I have taken a few steps into Cancerland and no one has mentioned it.

My vitamin protocol

Mary’s Vitamin TherapyJanuary 2008

 Nutrient                                     Dose                                               Times                        

Vitamin C                                 35 grams to bowel tolerance        throughout the dayNiacin                                 500mg to 3000 to 9000               in Am & PMVitamin B6                                                                                                     in Am & PMVitamin E                                            400 to 500                                         in Am & PMSuper Enzymes                                                                                     2 w/mealsCalcium/Magnesium/Zinc  1500 calcium/500 magnesium  4 halves a dayKelp                                                    3 to 5 tablets                               a dayLecithin                                               1-3 Tbs granules                        at mealsZinc                                                     50 mg to 100mg                         2 lozengesSelenium                                            300 micrograms                         100×3 each dayFish Oil/Omega 3                              1 tsp with meals                          2 a dayBean Sprouts                                    2 Quarts                                        throughout the day

 Juicing

Brewers FlakesLecithin granules  2 red/orange 1 green pints                       3 meals

Carrots, Celery, CucumberGreen peppers, CabbageBroccoli, Kale, LettuceApples, Juice concentrates No spinach, No rhubarb, No Beet greens, No salt Avoid meat especially red, Cheese-natural no coloring, Yogurt- low fat plain, Nut butter-almond, raw cow’s milk, Fruit100% whole grain bread, Whole wheat pasta, Brown rice, Beans.

I am in this weird place between knowing I am sick but not how sick and being well but not knowing how well. If I knew I was really sick I would act differently. The same if I knew I was going to be OK. This in between is horrid. The not knowing.

I have been reading all sorts of books on cancer and its prevention and treatment.  I have been reading about miraculous recoveries. I don’t dare read about those who are lost. I don’t want to see that reality. I want to stay optimistic and do all the things that the survivors do. I want to watch comedies not sad dramas.  This weekend I took a break from reading and studying for school to watch Norbit. I laughed. I liked it. I made love to my husband and played board games with my sons.  Days like that make the cancer seem unreal. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow (Tuesday). I am sure that will make it real again.

I am telling myself I am just being practical, but maybe I am just morbid or I really do believe I will die. Well, I know I will die but I figured I had another 40 years or so to go.

I suddenly want to return things I have borrowed. I want to put in writing some of the things I want to leave to my sons for sentimental reasons. I have given thought to making short videos for my husband and sons. Videos of songs we sing and the inside jokes we tell each other. I want to leave them pieces of me. The good pieces while I still look like myself and on some days feel more like myself rather than the woman the pain is turning me into.

I want to get organized and throw things out I dont’ want others to have to deal with if I am not around. I want to make decisions now that might be too stressful for others to make in my absence.

I want to know when I will die.  Crazy hey? It would make things so much easier in some ways. I suppose harder in others. I wish I knew when I was going to die when I was younger then I could have saved my husband the heartache of marrying a women that wasn’t going to last into old age. At this point I am hoping to see 40 come April.  I feel sad. This is so not good for me. I want to use my pass port. I have one and have never gone anywhere. I want to go some where before I die.

I am scared and I really can’t tell anyone. My husband needs me to be brave and fight. He would be so disappointed in me if he knew I was scared that I would die. He comes from a family of people who believe that your thoughts draw your life to you so if you are sick then you drew that to you. I understand the principle of the thing. I have watched “What the bleep”,”Down the rabbit hole” and “The secret”. I get the law of attraction.

How do I fight against my fear? This is what my initial question was when I began my little blog. How to get passed fear. Well wouldn’t you know it, its working. A so-called friend called me this morning to give me a bad time about some rumor she had heard, (This is the one who needs distance now that I am sick, read previous post) and I just didn’t have the heart to attempt any sort of story to avoid her attack. I certainly can’t recall telling rumors about her, I have enough to worry about, but I apologized and asked her forgiveness and promised that nothing similar would happen again. I felt nothing. 

An apology is not a difficult thing to get from me these days. Believe me I am sorry for a lot of things and if I have in some way slighted you I apologize. I have no agenda anymore that I need to protect. I don’t need to lie, cheat or steal because nothing seems that all fired too important anymore.